The Worst Kind of Parenting Advice

Imagine for a moment that you’re a new parent. Moms, I’m especially looking at you. Now, let me count the seconds with you until you are given unsolicited advice on how to raise the perfect child.

“If you do this, you will end up with this kind of child.” Or, on the flip side, “If you don’t do this, you’re going to ruin your child forever.”

For many years, I thought my own experience in this area was somewhat unique. After all, when I had my first child, I was completely inexperienced with babies or children. I was 27 years old the first time I ever held a baby (it was a fellow teacher’s niece), and then I never again held a baby until my own child was born two years later. Also, I was a brand-new Christian. So I had the double-whammy of total inexperience and complete ignorance of both parenting and how to be a follower of Christ … making me very insecure and open to suggestion on all topics related to parenting and Christian living.

To compound matters, I had a couple of not neurotypical children (I didn’t know this at the time) back in the late 1990s and early 2000s. What could possibly go wrong?

Here are some examples of the parenting advice that I heard—often and loudly—during those years:

“You must require first-time obedience from your child. If you don’t train them to first-time obedience to you, then how will they ever learn to obey God?”

“You should attend this parenting class where I will explain how to correctly raise a Christian child.” (This from a speaker whose oldest child was seven.)

“If your child won’t listen to you, it’s because you’re not spanking him hard enough.”

“If you don’t make your children do chores from an early age, and do them cheerfully and without complaint, then they will become lazy, irresponsible adults.”

I could go on, but I’ll stop here. I’m grateful to God that I learned early on to chew the meat and spit out the bones regarding much of the Christian parenting advice I was given, and instead to do what was right for our kids and our family. But when it comes to formulaic parenting advice, it sure is interesting that the more things change, the more they stay the same.

Let’s move forward 25 years to the present day. Let’s also leave the Christian sphere for a moment and move into secular culture for a look at what young moms are hearing in today’s world. Note that the first two examples below are typical quotes heard by Scott Ervin, a.k.a., The Kid Whisperer* (his full article on this topic is here, and it’s a good one if you need help deflecting this kind of parenting advice):

“If you shower your kids with love, they will be well-behaved.”

“If you treat your kids with respect, they will always treat you with respect.”

“If you raise your kids with kindness, they will grow up to be kind people.”

“If you do baby-led weaning, your child will learn to self-regulate, develop a healthy relationship with food, and won’t be a picky eater.”

As Ervin points out in his article (and this is just as true now as it was back when I was a new mom, regarding advice from Christians), this kind of parenting advice is passive-aggressive in nature. All of the above statements have an undercurrent of, “You need to do this the way I am doing it, or you are obviously __________.” Twenty-five years ago, that blank might have been filled in with: too permissive; not willing to do the hard things; over-indulging your child; letting your child be in charge (negative implication); or not expecting enough of your child. Today, that blank might be filled in with: too strict; not loving your child enough; not demonstrating kindness or grace to your child; restricting your child’s autonomy (negative implication); not emotionally connected to your child; not empathetic or in tune with your child.

Whether it’s 1999 or 2025, whether it’s face-to-face or on social media, whether the advice-givers are Christian or secular … the more things change, the more they stay the same.

Notice how most of these pieces of advice have an “if/then” component? If you do this, then you will get this result. It all seems so simple. But the frustration created by this kind of unrealistic formula is the same for moms now as it was back then: Why can’t I make this work the way they can? Why don’t I get the same results they do? Why do they make this sound so easy but it’s so hard in real life? Why doesn’t my child respond in the same way that theirs does? And the number one question: What am I doing wrong?

When I was about ten years into parenting my fourth child, I posted this saying on my bedroom wall, which served as encouragement and an affirmation for me every single day of those tough years: Just because this is hard doesn’t mean you’re doing it wrong. 

My children are mostly grown now. In nearly thirty years of parenting (parenting never ends, did you know that?), I’ve learned a few things that I’d like to mention if you’re in the trenches right now, especially if you’re receiving advice on how to correctly raise your children to achieve a certain result—whether it’s kindness to others or obedience to God or not being a picky eater or being a responsible human or a million other things we hope for our children.

• The “if/then” formulas for how to raise children correctly don’t work. Oh, they may produce a certain type of human here and there, by chance, but overall they exist simply to make the speaker feel superior and the hearer feel like they’re doing something wrong, or that something must be wrong with their child. Parenting advice is often a product of its time, whether from the periodicals of the 1880s, child care books of the 1950s, churches of the 1990s, or social media of the 2020s—everything goes in cycles, reaches for the extreme, then swings back and what’s old is new again. The truth is, despite whatever parenting advice is in fashion at the moment, children will grow up how they will grow up, and in accordance with God’s plan for their lives. Which leads right to the next point …
• You are not in control of your child’s outcome nearly as much as it may seem. Your child was born in the image of God, with certain natural bents (some good, some not so good). With each passing year, your parental control diminishes just a little bit more, and your child will reveal more and more of who they are in the way that God has made them. You can influence this, for sure, but can you control it and determine who they will grow up to be? Absolutely not. Go ahead and thank God that he didn’t give you that kind of responsibility—it’s hard enough to try to manage your own life, much less of all your children’s lives, as well. In that same vein, remember that …
• Your child has his or her own journey in life, just as you have yours. They have their own path to follow, their own choices to make (including their own mistakes), their own relationship with the Lord to embrace or reject (and this can change at any point, so keep praying and never lose heart with a prodigal child). You can and should set them on the right path to the very best of your ability, but beyond that, with each passing year, your job is to gradually loosen your grip and eventually let them go. And finally, speaking of prayer …
• The most important thing you can do is pray.  The single most powerful tool you have at your disposal isn’t other people’s advice, or the internet, or the experts who claim to know what you should do with your children in order to produce some specific outcome. It’s your relationship with Jesus and with a God who wants to hear your prayers. You can draw strength from that every single day as you pray for your child.

I know how tempting it is to believe that there’s a formula you can follow in order to achieve a particular result with your child. There are always people—both Christians and non-Christians, in real life and online—who are eagerly waiting to tell you why their way is best, and the result you’ll get if you follow their advice. But remember that God gave you your children for a reason, and these kinds of parenting formulas can easily overcome your own good instincts and common sense. They can also distract you from those people (a friend or neighbor? a mother or mother-in-law? someone at church?) who can provide a listening ear, a gentle word of encouragement, a few good ideas (if you ask), and maybe a hug.

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Because I remember the kind of help and encouragement I needed as a parent, I’ve tried to provide that here at Great and Noble Tasks for more than five years now. You’ll find many articles using the Parenting tag, like this one that reminds you of the three words that are the most important in Christian parenting.

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*Scott Ervin (The Kid Whisperer) is a former teacher and principal who is now a behavioral consultant. His parent blog is here, he has a book on classroom management, and he has other blogs and newsletters for teachers and parents. I don’t know much about him except that he is a no-nonsense kind of writer/teacher, which I like. He writes from a secular perspective, as far as I have read.

Photo by Jochen van Wylick on Unsplash