Ambassadors for Marriage

“So how’s married life?”

According to my recently married 24-year-old daughter, this is the number one question people ask soon after they learn you are newly wed. She’s answered it countless times, most recently with a co-worker who was at the beginning of a new dating relationship. Just a few minutes into their lunch together, this friend asked the question my daughter knew was coming:

“So how’s married life?” Casually, off-handedly, with a quick, friendly smile but seriously inquisitive eyes.

Now, my daughter has often been described by others as being, at all times, unfailingly honest and real. So when she’s asked this question, she gives the unvarnished truth. Her response to that co-worker was the same response she’s given every time:

“It’s great—I love being married.” Straightforwardly and with great sincerity.

The co-worker first looked surprised, then relieved, and then she wanted to know more. Because that was not at all what she expected my daughter to say.

What she expected to hear might have been a funny story about the married couple’s latest disagreement, lighthearted (or maybe not) irritation over finding his underwear on the floor, or that he snores. Something humorous, something wry and ironic, something that indicates that the honeymoon is over and married life might not be all it’s cracked up to be.

Or maybe she expected to hear, “Well, life is really no different than it was before. We just made it official, that’s all.” That would have been in line with the nearly 70% of Americans who cohabitate before marriage, despite the correlation between living together before marriage and a higher chance of later divorce.

So when my daughter responded in an unironic, unapologetically positive, obviously truthful way … her co-worker was intrigued. And my daughter suddenly found herself in the unexpected but pleasant position of offering advice and encouragement to someone a bit older than she is, on, of all things, love and marriage.

After she told me this story and mentioned that it had occurred more than once, I said to her, “You’re becoming an ambassador for marriage! We need more ambassadors for marriage, especially young people!”

Because it’s one thing for me, a 50-something, Christian mother of four, grandmother of two, to say, “Yes, get married! Don’t wait for the ‘perfect’ person or perfect timing! Don’t wait to get the whole rest of your life in order first! Marriage is great—it’s totally worth it!” But it’s another thing entirely coming from someone who is under the age of 30.

Those enthusiastic, positive statements are something that an ambassador for marriage, of any age, would say. But from the world, that’s not what people usually hear.

What they hear from the world, relentlessly, is this:

Wait until after you have your degree(s), your apartment or house, and/or your dream job. Or until all your financial debts are paid. Or until you know you’re ready to have kids. Or until after you’ve already lived together, or at least until after you’ve had sex. Or until after you’ve had the experience of living on your own. Or until after you’ve had several arguments together, to see how that will go. Or until you’ve had several other boyfriends or girlfriends, just to be sure.

And so today’s single men and women are getting married later and later in life, if at all, for all of those reasons listed above, as well as others that psychologists and sociologists have proposed to explain the recent late-marrying (or not-marrying) trends.

Don’t get me wrong. I’m not trying to paint a perfect, rosy picture of marriage as being without problems (we live in a fallen world, and marriage is not immune) or of spouses without flaws (every marriage is made up of one sinner married to another sinner). Nor am I saying that everyone ought to get married (some Christians are called to singleness—sometimes for many decades and sometimes for their entire lives). Nor am I saying, obviously, that a person should marry someone who raises red flags or is clearly not compatible, rather than remain single.

But in general, and for most people … marriage is good for society, good for communities, good for families, and good for individuals. It’s good for us early on, when we’re learning how to live an adult life and building a foundation with the person we love; it’s good in those long, tiring, “Are we going to make it?” middle years when we need someone to rely on and laugh with and nurture a family with; it’s good later in life to have a trusted spouse who knows and understands us when more significant changes come—an empty nest, retirement, grandchildren; and it’s good in the twilight years to look into the face of the one whom your soul loves when faced with old age, fading abilities and declining health, and eventually, for Christians, a temporary parting in death.

What my daughter’s co-worker expected to hear, that marriage isn’t easy, is true. (There’s a reason for the saying, “Nothing worth doing is easy.”) I can say from experience, and only partly joking, that the first twenty years are the hardest. But like my daughter, I am an ambassador for marriage … so, Christian, if God gives you the opportunity, I encourage you to marry. Marry the one whom your soul loves, the one who is faithful and trustworthy, the one who loves Jesus and puts God first (even before you) in life, the one with whom you are comfortable and compatible, and the one who wants to face together everything God has in store for you.

Related article: Thoughts on Three Weddings: A Week, Five Years, a Lifetime

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In the “Three Weddings” article above, I touched on the idea of marriage as a picture of Christ and the church—Christ as the bridegroom and the church as his bride. This is such an important concept to understand, both as a Christian and as a spouse or spouse-to-be. It’s woven throughout the Bible and is one of the foundational aspects of God’s story and Christ’s relationship with us, his church. You can find references to it in the following Bible passages, but my hope for you is that you’ve heard, or will hear, sermons, classes, or workshops on this topic. There’s no substitute for sitting under good teaching, ideally with your spouse, on the subjects of marriage, principles regarding roles in marriage, and Christ and his church. (I’m sure there are also some good books that cover this topic, and I’d love suggestions on those if you’ve read any.)

In the Old Testament:

• The Song of Solomon is a beautiful, intimate poem about married love between a man and a woman as well as an allegory of Christ’s love for his church.
• The entire Book of Hosea is a metaphor for God’s persistent love for the people of Israel, told in the story of Hosea’s pursuit and love for his adulterous wife. I wrote an article about a related movie review here.

In the New Testament:

• Jesus’ Parable of the Wedding Feast: Matthew 22:1-14.
• Jesus’ Parable of the Ten Virgins: Matthew 25:1-13.
• John the Baptist speaking of Jesus as the bridegroom: John 3:28-29.
• Paul referring to the many aspects of the church as the bride of Christ as a “profound mystery” (v. 32) in his longer passage on husbands and wives: Ephesians 5:22-33.